Melbourne purveyor of all good tales of the high seas, The Age, had a story this week about an Aussie couple in their sixties who were set upon by Peruvian pirates in the Amazon River. The poor dears locked themselves in their cabin before those dastardly buccaneers broke down the door and nicked their jewelry and cash.

Apparently their river cruiser (which doesn’t look anything like the sort of vessel that gets attacked by pirates) had already been targeted by gunmen, but the nice middle-aged-retirement-holiday-type people on board had no idea and didn’t notice the two plain clothes policemen wandering around (fat lot of good they turned out to be).

The Age said the Peruvian coppers were easily overpowered by the pirates who had grenades and automatic weapons — unfortunately we don’t know what the policemen had… swords perhaps?

This is my favourite bit:

Most of the passengers were in the ship’s breakfast room when the pirates attacked and were robbed, then bound and forced to lie on the floor.

They were in the “breakfast room”? How terrible it must have been to be interrupted mid-meal by a band of grenade wielding brigands! I do hope they at least had the opportunity to finish their tea and scan the headlines.

And who cares about the 12 Australians held hostage on board while the pirates partook in their plundering, what about this poor chap?

One Spaniard managed to dive overboard and was found safe eight hours later.

Now there is a fine example of sheer bravery. None of this hiding in your cabin crap, just jump overboard!

The Age have not held back from the thrilling language one may use when describing acts of piracy. I know I would be excited too, but frankly I don’t think I would have been able to hold back so much.

What really disappointed me about this story was the gaps — how many Australians have been victims of piracy this year? What did the other Australians think? Has anyone even heard of Peruvian pirates before? Who are they?

Clearly this is not the first incident of piracy in the Amazon. The British Mail Online said police will now be escorting all ships in the area — indicating the MV Aqua is not alone in fearing for the safety of its elderly tourist cargo.

I wonder if this is the last we will hear of pirates in the Amazon?